Tips for Stalkees

Many of you have asked for advice on dealing with your stalker-ex and staying safe, so here are some helpful ideas:

• You need a lawyer. If you can afford it, consider it a worthwhile investment. If you can't, seek pro bono (free assistance for low income clients) aid, or ask for help from friends and family. The legal system is very hard to navigate, particularly in a delicate life or death matter. You just can't afford to make a procedural mistake.
• Get an order of protection and renew it before the expiration date. Even though it won't really protect you much, it will add weight to your side of the justice scales. Most domestic violence shelters have advocates who will help you with the paperwork. A good advocate is priceless, preferably if the person has already been through the legal system as a victim.
• File a police report for every stalking incident. Ask for a copy of the report during the interview or phone call, and make arrangements to pick it up if it's not readily available to you. Although nothing may be done about the incident, these reports may weigh those justice scales down more. This is helpful information for child custody battles too.
• Speaking of child custody, you should never, ever lose your composure in front of a judge or your children's law guardian. Be willing to work out a visitation agreement (supervised by a mutually trusted person, of course), and agreeable to the best interests of your child (currently, it is extremely unlikely that a parent will be alienated from their children, regardless of abuse towards them or you). Show them how reasonable and concerned you are, as well as your level of maturity in light of this serious matter.
• Never, ever bash your stalker-ex in front of your children. This will backfire in a variety of was that may put them in danger. They are going to love both of their parents whether you like it or not. You can offer a shoulder to cry on and let them know that you don't agree with the things the other parent does, and let them know it's okay for them to still love both parents. In time, they will see the true colors on their own. They need to TRUST YOU to confide in you. They are under a tremendous amount of stress and guilt - don't place more weight on them. The family court is going to investigate your ability to handle this.
• If you can afford to install a home alarm system with monthly monitoring, you will be safer than you would without one. Make sure you get the personal "panic" button option. Secure all windows and doors with good quality locking mechanisms. Some people use baby monitors while upstairs. You can also place booby traps in more vulnerable entry points (cans on a string, chair jammed against door handle, netting, or anything that makes enough noise to wake you and give you time to call 911.
• Security surveillance cameras are becoming reasonably priced these days. Their presence will make your stalker think twice about his risk of getting caught. If he goes ahead with his plan, you will have evidence to show the police. Some people even put fake, but realistic looking cameras up to act as a detterant. Battery operated scout cams with night vision can be placed on trees or other remote locations.
• You should keep cans of wasp spray by your bed and at strategic points in your house. Carry pepper spray when you go outside. Always aim for the eyes! Some people put baseball bats by their bed and doors, but remember that they can be used against you too. For ten dollars, you can buy a stun gun, but this can also be used against you as can a real gun. These are decisions you will need to weigh the risks and benefits of.
• Park your vehicle in a well-lit area, and keep it locked at all times. If you have a car alarm, use it.
• Make your house look occupied by leaving different lights, televisions, and radios on. Always leave your outside lights on at night.
• Mix up your routine whenever possible. You don't want to be "predictable" to your stalker. 
• Probably the most important thing you should do to protect yourself and your family is tell people what is happening. Ask your friends, neighbors, and coworkers to keep their eyes open for any suspicious behavior at your house and job. Tell them to call police if they do. You will find that police take reports from others more seriously than they do from you, the actual victim.
• Help your kids protect themselves at home, school, and in the community. Role play situations that could happen and help them come up with responses. Let them know if the Judge has restricted contact with the other parent, and who they need to report violations to immediately. 
• A cell phone can be a lifeline for you and your children to feel safe and secure. Texting is a quick way of "checking in" with you, and you can check in with your safety partners too. Your cell phone and your house phone can be used to record threatening conversations and voicemails, with some inexpensive recorder devices.
• If the police are not adequately responding to your incidents, ask for a supervisor. Next, contact the county district attorney's office, the local and state coalition for domestic violence, and your elected representatives. You should have prepared an ongoing log with the dates, incidents, responding officers names, and resulting actions. Send letters whenever you can - it is all part of a paper trail that proves stalking and lack of response by those entrusted to serve the public. 
• If you are cyberstalked, get screenshots with the date from your computer. Be aware that most police will refuse to do anything, but file the report anyway. The laws are changing on this issue - have your "ducks-in-a-row."
• Make you and your kids stronger, both physically and mentally. Counseling is the best way to overcome trauma and get emotionally "fit." It is no reflection on your parental abilities unless a court subpeonas your private records (rarely happens, except in cases where physical child abuse has been proven). Support groups are another excellent option. Keep your body strong with excersize and resistance training. Take self defense classes and enroll the kids in safety awareness events. Don't abuse alcohol or other substances, or get help if you need to cut down or quit using them.