Victim to Abuser

I don't have the statistics, but I would be willing to bet that most abusers were once childhood victims of abuse. Those abusers who have crossed my social path fit this description well. Childhood sex abuse stories that I have heard grown men speak of never fail to shock me. The horrors create a silent rage inside of them, one that often spills out with the misfortunate women who fall in love with them. 

An uncomforable thought comes to my mind: do they target women as potential objects to pour their rage upon? In some cases, it probably happens. Yet, I believe that some honestly want to find love. Obviously, many former victims do fall in love.  But I'd guess that many fall in love with an idea of how a relationship should be, rather than facing the reality that nobody can possibly satisfy every single one of their needs.

One thing that seems very common is their ability to dissociate the abuse, either as the victim, or as the perpetrator.  "It wasn't me," so to speak.  They rationalize their justification for the abuse, but don't own up to being a "monster" who could do such things to another human being. An abuser can easily refer to his victim as being "a selfish bitch" to his friends then accusing her of overreacting after an abusive episode.

This emotional trauma suffered by a victim leads to dissociation. She doesn't leave him for the same reason he didn't tell anyone about his rapist - is happening to them is simply too painful to speak of.  But those conflicting emotions of fear, shame, and anger don't ever go away; they must be resolved before they destroy the victim and the secondary victims.  Some can resolve the conflict without a trained therapist, but many can't.

The one thing that they must do is allow themselves to be vulnerable again by story seeking help and telling their abuse story.  That is pretty hard to do after years of protecting themselves.  This is why so many decide that it isn't worth the risk, so they live instead an emotionally crippled individuals.  They don't ever find the love they are looking for, and they cause irreparable damage to the women they engage in relationships with.

I do feel bad for them, but not enough to watch other innocent lives get destroyed.  They have a choice, but they don't allow their victims to have a choice.  The cycle has to stop regardless of the choices we make.